Trigger warning for rape.
Let’s get the “not all men are rapists” argument out of the way. Of course not! Saying ALL men are rapists would imply that it’s natural instead of common. It is not gender specific and neither has (intersectional) feminism ever claimed that it is. It’s an argument that needs to be laid to rest because you’re missing the point. Every time your ashy mouth utters the words “Not all men”, you invalidate oppression against women. You take attention away from the problem and focus on protecting the reputation of men. It needs to stop.
“Women must watch what they wear”, “Women must protect themselves”. If advice like this has ever prevented anyone in the history of mankind from being violated, don’t you think there would be fewer victims? Wouldn’t these mind-blowing solutions be regulated if preventing rape is something that depends on women? This conversation is flagrant because it shifts the blame. It’s a disgusting false solution that perpetuates stereotypes about victims instead of helping them. It too needs to stop.
Rape culture is nurtured and given oxygen by the world’s inability to hold men accountable for their actions. Many more men (in comparison to women and non-binary individuals) have started wars, created evil oppressive systems, committed crimes against children and nurtured suffering but, somehow, “women are crazy”.
The lesson for today is simple: stop killing us. One way you can do that is by not raping us.
The conversation needs to shift, as much as the world conditions you to believe men know everything, they don’t. Also, knowing is not enough. There must be practical ways to implement that knowledge.
In Canada, after launching their “Don’t be that guy” consent awareness campaign, the national sexual assault rate dropped by 10% in 2011.
We need to focus more on teaching men not to rape. We need to condition men to respect women, we are tired of begging for the opportunity to live with dignity. Here are a few practical ways for men to approach how not to rape:
- Consent education. Here’s the thing, consent isn’t silence, it’s not maybe, it’s not what you think I meant, it’s three little letters that should come out of my mouth, YES. Also, because those words must come out of my mouth, I own them, I can take them back any time and you must accept that without negotiating. Jaclyn Friedman said, “The really important thing about consent education, is not that rapists don’t know they don’t have consent it’s that everyone else is vague about it in their own lives.”
- There is a plethora of organisations like Men Can Stop Rape, Bro Models and Men As Peacemakers, that work with men to train them (especially from an early age) to understand rape culture and even challenge it. Join these organisations.
- Stop objectifying women. We live in a society that is conditioned to think that women are merely objects of sexual desire and pleasure. If we teach boys from a young age that women are human beings, they might – just might – grow up and treat us as such. You are not entitled to a woman’s anything, let alone her body.
- Check yourself. If you ever find yourself fantasising about someone that you know is not interested in you, get help. Talk to someone. Countless numbers of women were/are/have been violated by someone they know.
- Toxic masculinity is the genesis of the path to sexual violence. The way you receive women becomes distorted because of toxic masculinity. A lot of times men put unnecessary pressure on themselves and each other, the alpha male BS, it needs to stop. It’s rooted in patriarchy and oppression.
- You need to stop approaching instances of inhumane acts against women as a “brother” or a “father” or an “uncle”, given that everyone was conceived by a woman – including abusive, violent men. Hitler was a son too. It in no way exonerates you from contributing to rape culture. Oppressors having sisters and mothers has never protected women in the face of violent oppression. Stop saying it. You need to advocate for the dignity, safety and survival of women and children simply because you’re human.
These are just suggestions but do you know who really holds the key to rape prevention? Men. They can simply stop raping women.
