Relationships can be overwhelming! Along with school, work, and responsibilities, social expectations are one of the heaviest burdens to bear. It is hard to shake the idea that you need to have friends in order to live a happy, successful life.
But maybe that is not the case. I have had enough failed friendships with other girls that I could probably write a whole novel, bible, or encyclopedia on the infinite subject of having your heart shattered in a million pieces by someone you gave the honor of calling a friend (and then plot twist: they betrayed that trust). I have found that I have had my heart devastatingly broken more times by a “best friend” than by a boyfriend. Toxic friends come in many different shapes and forms and some are more subtle than others (those are the ones you should beware the most).
There will be friends who will choose boys over you, make up ridiculous lies and backstab you, try to take away all your other friends, hate you, dump you unceremoniously, or simply make you feel inferior to their other friends and not talk to you for months on end.
Some friends will be more subtle versions of disappointment. People are naturally selfish, and naturally do not like to be told that they are wrong. Sometimes, they will just stop making an effort to talk to you, and maybe that’s the most heartbreaking of all.
But through everything I have learned through my countless friendship failures is that at the end of the day, people will always disappoint you. Maybe not forever, and maybe it can be reconciled, but there will always be a point in the relationship where they just weren’t as thoughtful as you, or they just didn’t care as much as you did.
But that is not to say that just because life has disappointments, that you should stop having expectations. Expect the most from the world because you deserve it, fill your head with dreams, and love people as if they won’t break your heart.
But most of all, be selfish. In all of this, I have learned that IT IS OKAY TO BE SELFISH. Friendships and relationships can take a heavy toll on mental health. Along with everything else in your busy life, worrying about someone who has constantly broken your heart should not be one of them. Self care is not always putting on a face mask and getting a pedicure. It can be unplugging your phone, erasing your social media, and disconnecting from the world. Sometimes, the world isn’t worthy of a response from you.
Friends will break your heart. You will constantly feel pressure to please someone. Relationships will become overwhelming and you will probably feel like you’re not good enough at some point.
But life will take its course. Even though it has been said countless times, people will leave just as easily as they came. It is not your job to have it all figured out. If they actually let you go (even after everything) and cannot make the effort to be in your life, then maybe they shouldn’t be.
And maybe it’s sad, but it is in these moments that you find and know yourself the most. You figure out your likes, dislikes, reflect on your failures and their failures, acknowledge that not just one party was to blame, and thank the people who are still in your life. It is in those moments, embracing the loneliness that you remember that you were a dragon before they came along, and will remain one long after they leave. It is okay to be selfish, to overreact and get mad at the little things, to fight back against someone who hurt your feelings. It is okay to stop loving someone else in order to be able to love yourself again.
Relationships are hard, but when they fail, it is often a good time to focus on your relationship with yourself. Being lonely is not something to fear, it is something to embrace. Because in those hours you spend laying awake, wondering what you could’ve done differently, or why you weren’t good enough, interesting enough, fun enough… you realize that goddammit, you were good enough for yourself and your winning personality will make people regret losing you, and will be the foundation of your empire one day.
Was this article extraordinarily cheesy? Absolutely, it was like a dairy farm. But please, never forget, that is is your right to be selfish. It becomes exhausting to love someone and to be let down by them constantly. If no one will love you like you love them… perhaps it is time to love yourself just as much.
