As a polyamorous person, I have come to realize that the way society views love is skewed. In fact society considers monogamy to be the only moral choice, and any other type of relationship is unethical. However, I would have to disagree. As someone who is polyamorous, I have come to realize that many people benefit from being able to grow and develop in relationships where individuality is fostered, where a person can flourish and grow without the fear of being scorned or left by their partner. In most cases, monogamous relationships, even the very healthiest, do not allow for personal growth because both partners belong to each other, and therefore must compromise integral parts of their personality and feel pressured to support their partner, no matter their important personal needs. I am not saying polyamorous relationships are not plagued by possessiveness, but it seems like the ones that do all suffer from internalized monogamy.
Society as a whole value possessive love, which is pretty much clearly seen in most monogamous relationships (not to say people in polyamorous relationships don’t have this dynamic as well, however that seems to be internalized monogamy). Why does society place value on two people owning each other? The idea of monogamy comes from ownership and treating the wife as property. In traditional wedding vows, people promise themselves to each other until death, which to me reads as an odd and perverse form of ownership and compromise. Besides this, it is completely normal and natural for people in relationships to develop affections and feelings for others besides their partners, and instead of hiding these feelings and letting them fester into something rotten, such as cheating, in order to appease our lover, maybe we should be allowed to communicate to our partners about these emotions instead if feeling shame for not being able to hold up to the monogamous ideal.
Society even treats all types of affection as a competition, not just romantic conquests. We are made to feel as if we should compete with others for platonic relationships as well even though this leads to harmful and toxic changing of oneself into a mold of what the object of their affections wants, which is not authentic. As a society are we so concerned with tying people down to us in relationships, mainly romantic to the point of where our partners feel like they can’t grow and have to compromise parts of themselves to keep the relationship. Instead we should focus on the fact that everyone in a relationship is an individual and as have the right to grow and develop without compromises. And if that turns out to mean your partner needs to leave you let them. It will hurt, as it should, but love means letting someone do what they think is right for them, which includes leaving you, because love should foster an individual, not stifle them. We should also remember that breaking up is usually not a bad thing, and that while it hurts, if we love our partners and ourselves, we will allow ourselves to let go.
