As children, we all grow up afraid of what lurks in the closet. Slowly, time allows most to outgrow those fears and realize that nothing scary lurks when we turn the light on. However, some of us aren’t so lucky. For me, it took a long time to realize that I was not afraid of what was inside of the closet. In fact, I found myself trapped in it.
I found that sometimes the fear is not of what’s inside. The fear lies behind what is waiting outside. This is an open letter to everyone who is still inside. This is a letter to anyone who is afraid of coming out.
Coming out can mean a lot of things. For some, it brings a sense of clarity and inner peace. It might be a faraway concept that you regard as calming and happy. Others, see it as a rough patch they’ll have to pass through to get to a better place. Fear, anxiety, and stress might be holding you back.
Will they still love me? Will I have to move out? Is this going to change everything? Is it really worth it? All of these questions and thoughts fill your head and circle around like vultures over a dessert. Like monsters in the dark, they too make you feel on edge, always on the verge of having something unexpected jump out at you; of losing control of what you let those around you know.
We’ve all heard the wonderful stories some people have when talking about coming out. But when it comes down to it, those aren’t the ones we play on a loop over and over every time we even begin to consider coming out to someone, right?
I’m going to use myself as an example. I’ve only come out to only a handful of people. Only one of those has been a family member. I have only come out to people whom I trust with my life. Yet, every single time I do, it’s like I’m back in square one. For the period of time, I forget every single positive quality the person has. I forget that I befriended them because we share a similar set of beliefs, ideals, or morals. I forget that the person I’m talking to has known me for a period of time that I’ve deemed good enough to share something I hold so closely to me. So, my hands shake and a stutter that only comes out when I’m too scared suddenly makes an appearance. It’s like I’m introducing myself all over again. Because coming out can have that effect on you.
Because it’s a fear that lies deep within your bones. Somber, only to be awoken whenever the moment is perfect for it to pounce. Because at some point I realized that the monsters that I was so afraid of don’t lie in a 4×4 space nestled in between my hoodies and school uniform. Instead, they lie silently in the back of my mind, nestled warmly in between my insecurities and anxieties, feeding on hate speech and fear.
It’s okay to not be ready to come out. It’s okay to not be strong enough to send those monsters packing and embrace who you are publicly. Coming Out Day is a day to be brave, but it’s also a day for reflection. We’ve all come so far. We’ve all grown so much. It’s okay to not be ready. It’s okay to be scared. Who you is valid regardless of how many people agree.
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