For transgender people, there are either one life or two lives to be lived. The first life could be when one conforms to their assigned gender — whether or not they are happy is unknown, but hopefully, they are fine with their decision; the second life is when a person accepts who they are, accepts that they cannot change their past, and choose to move forward in order to become the person who they think they are. In my life, I have chosen to live for the second time, this time, I will begin to live as a boy.
At the moment, I feel as if I am starting over; I feel as if I have learned from my mistakes, and I can grow once again. Unfortunately, I did not see it this way at first.
Although I’ve had gender dysphoria (the feeling of resentment one has towards their assigned gender) since youth, I have wrestled between confronting my dysphoria and trying to convince myself it was a phase for the past two years. I did not want to accept I was uncomfortable with my gender. I did not want to accept the fact I felt limited to my happiness because of my gender. Above all, I did not want to accept the realization that I was born into the wrong life.
While I am not necessarily happy, I was afraid being transgender would make me hate myself and the life I was given, so I had to suppress it as much as I could.
One of the excuses I came up with to convince my dysphoria was a phase telling myself that I need to focus on being the best person I am meant to be. To me, this meant working hard to finish school, get a job, get married, and eventually forget about my dysphoria. At some point, though, a strange little thought came into my mind. What if, I thought, the best person I can be rising far above what I am making myself out to be? I thought before I can be “the best person I can be,” I should focus on discovering who I am first.
This summer, I took time away from school, I said goodbye to people who were negative forces on my life, and I sat down to evaluate myself. I got the basic things out of me: I figured out I like writing, blogging, and spending time with friends. Going in deeper, I realized how much of a free person I was. I saw that I had an interest in helping others, I want to make others laugh and have others make me laugh, I want to travel and feel inspired by different cultures through their art and their personalities. This was the person I was meant to be, I thought, and not only that, these are the traits to a boy named Ace.
It took some time, but at this point, I am certain that I want to live life for the second time as a boy. I am curious to see what trials await me this time around: will I become more outgoing, will it be easier for me to be more sympathetic with those who are clearly in trouble, will it be easier for me to express my own emotions, and most importantly — will I finally be happy?
For those of you are still on the fence as to whether or not you are born in the wrong life, or for those who have discovered it but are too afraid to take the next step: keep wondering; remain curious, and eventually, you will get tired of wasting time by asking questions, and eventually, you will chase your questions down and find an answer. Whether you live once or twice, make sure you don’t live a life of regret.
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