Every year since kindergarten, I started the school year with my twin brother by my side. Even when we didn’t know anyone else because it was a new school, we still had each other. I knew all of his friends, he knew all of mine (and often our friends overlapped) and we knew everything going on in each other’s lives.
Last year, I started my first year of college alone. My brother decided to take a gap year, so he would stay at home and get some work and life experience while I began my college career one state away. It was crazy moving into a dorm room and not having my brother in the room next door. It took me a while to adjust to college life without my family and friends from home, but I eventually made new friends and was able to focus on having fun in a new city with new people.
I talked with my brother around once a week and got to hear about his new job and the classes he was taking at the local university for fun. It was still weird to me to not be living in the same place as him and having the same experiences, but I was slowly getting more and more used to it.
While I had a new life with new people and experiences, I still knew exactly what my brother’s life looked like at home. I kind of liked it this way. I got used to it.
This year, however, it feels like everything has changed. My brother is now halfway through his freshman year of college and I am now in my second year, about to go abroad. He is having all these new experiences that are similar to and completely different from mine, like meeting new people, trying new things, pulling all-nighters — and I feel completely out of it. I now suddenly have no idea what his life looks like. He keeps telling me about all these things he’s been doing with his friends and honestly I feel completely worried for and protective of him.
Is he okay? Are his friends good, responsible people? Is he getting enough sleep, staying healthy? How is his mental health? He would tell me if anything were wrong, wouldn’t he?
I know he is a capable human being. He is incredibly smart and kind and generous and the greatest twin brother a girl could ask for. But I can’t help but worry about his well-being when I am not around him. I feel like a hypocrite, telling him to be careful, don’t drink too much and so on. I’ve had to learn to trust that he will be okay, that he will make good decisions and will tell me if anything is wrong.
It’s been a crazy semester so far, feeling completely separate from my brother for the first time in my life — because while last year we were in different places physically, I still knew what his days looked like and felt like I understood what he was doing on his gap year. This year I have had to learn to accept that I don’t know everyone he knows or everything he’s doing, and this is okay. We’re still close and he still tells me about his life, I just don’t get to experience it with him. It’s been different, but also I am happy and excited that we both get to grow (more like stumble) into adulthood together.
